Having bad days with your body

13 05 2010

Do you ever have one of those days where you just don’t feel good in your own skin?? It’s a horrible thing to say but I was truly feeling that way today.

As I have said in my about me, I have been on a journey back to accepting my body after having a bad relationship with food and exercise a year ago. At this time last year I was just moving home from school and coming back to normalcy after battling with disordered eating and a exercise obsession. A year later I am definitely  MUCH more healthy, but those thoughts can sometimes resurface and rear their ugly heads.

At this point I am back to exercising regularly but for pleasure, not for a need to burn calories. Some days  I go to the gym and run a bit and lift some weights; others I get out on my bike and either trail ride or street ride for a while. Some days I do yoga, and others, like today, I just take a nice walk and enjoy the sunshine. Most of the time I don’t mind the lower impact days because they are a form of a rest day that I get to do something that is positive for my mind and body. Today for some reason, however, walking just make me feel like I wasn’t doing enough. I kept seeing runners go by and wishing I would just pick up my pace and go. I saw cyclists navigating traffic, going nearly at the same speed as the cars, and immediately was planning a day for my next long ride. Commuting to school in cambridge makes it even worse; I swear that everyone in the Cambridge area is either a cyclist or a long distance runner because that is ALL YOU SEE!  At times I want to just pull over, throw on my running shoes and join them; it must be easier for them here because everyone seems to be doing it! All joking aside, it can be real struggle when you are having one of these bad days not to stack yourself up against others.

By the time I got home from class I was in a mental battle with myself over what to make for dinner and when I would have my next workout, NOT THE WAY TO LIVE! I have been doing so well lately, thanks to many amazing bloggers out there, rediscovering a love for food and eating well! I have also been truly enjoying my approach to exercise as a way to dabble in everything that I love and never feel bored. Today, however, I can hear those nagging thoughts telling me that I need to step it up, be more disciplined, and work harder at my fitness and nutrition. Where do those thoughts even come from?? Are those voices really my own insight, or are they just a product of this society we’re living in??

Wherever those voices come from I am really tired of hearing them talk. They need to be replaced with some more positive ones that serve me better and make me happier. I recently read a book The Four Agreements which outlines a new way of living and thinking in which we get rid of the garbage placed on us by society and the world that ways us down and begin to feel more free and positive. It describes the way which we were socialized and how we have formed agreements with ourselves due to the standards set by society. An example would be the agreement that American society says thin is beauty. It is now my choice to accept that agreement and live with the weight it carries for me, or to work to break the agreement and create a new one for myself. That is really just a piece of the books message, and I truly recommend reading the whole thing (I believe it’s around200 pages), but in general it taught me that it is through my will that I restructure the belief system I have built in my mind.

I plan to have a great day tomorrow with my body and my image of myself. Doing that means waking up and looking in the mirror and smiling and appreciating what I see. It may even mean taking a moment to tell myself just how wonderful I am…as I am. If you can tell yourself it will be a good day, making that an agreement with yourself, who is really there to stop you?




One response

26 09 2010

I can completely relate to this post. This was basically me in college but all of the time-food, exercise and calories was ALL I thought about…24/7.

Now I think of food as delicious fuel and exercise as a way to feel good and de-stress. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m happy enough about life that I realize counting calories and exercising like a crazy woman is just not worth it.

I’m actually in the process of writing a book about how I got to the point I am now, and the struggles I went through so other women can relate and won’t feel so alone.

I love how at the end of your post you said you plan to have a good day. I think that’s awesome and those days are always the best days!

So excited to continue to read your blog : )


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