Learning about myself and a strange dream

25 05 2010

So today has been a bit of a rocky start for me. I could just NOT get out of bed this morning. I think the combination of allergies and a really long day yesterday just kept me rolling over and ignorning the clock. I finally got up around 9 (late for this early riser) and hopped in the shower. I was intending to go to the beach today with my  good friends but my stomach had different plans for me. I guess my stomach really tells me when I’m stressed and today it was screaming loudly. I get frustrated with it because I know thats why I feel the way I do and yet I have not found a way to stop it. I usually just ignore it but some days I really just can’t. I know that it has a lot to do with the stress I am having about my impending trip to California (I should be excited, right!?) Well I am SO excited for the trip, I’ve been planning for a few months and talking about it for a couple years. Its not the trip itself that I am worried about but just the flying. I know that I am a nervous flier and that thought has been in the back of my head for about a month now. I  know that seems a bit crazy/obsessive but for anyone who has travel anxieties you will know what I mean. I just find it funny that its so cyclical: I worry about not feeling well on the flight which makes me not feel well which makes me worry about how I will feel when the flight comes on Saturday. I honestly want to just let it ALL GO and just enjoy every bit of this vacation and that is my true goal. I have been in need of a true get-away for a while now and I don’t want to be the reason it does not turn out as wonderful as I have planned.

The trip will go something like this: early flight out of Logan on Saturday morning with my mother and aunt. We will have a comfortable flight, landing in San Fran 9 or so their time.  We will have a short layover and board a smaller plane and fly to Fresno airport. My aunt will be awaiting our arrival and we will head back to her home (a short 10 minute drive!) to begin our week of fun. Memorial day cookout on Sunday, trip to wineries at some point in the week, shopping, relaxing, sunning, and tons of healthy cooking and recipe experimenting!  One of my favorite thing about spending time with my mom and aunts is that we all love to cook fresh, healthy food. They love finding new recipes to try and we love buying fresh, local produce when we are in CA. This is one of the few opportunities I get to be with my aunt in CA and really spend time and bond with her. She has lived on the west coast for most of her life and all of mine so our time together has always been limited. I really look forward to seeing her and am so excited about this trip. All that being said, my trip will be wonderful and low-stress 🙂

On to that dream that I had. This is so wierd and I remembered it just as I was about to write this post. So in this dream there was my stressed self and then this other side of myself. I was supposed to be meeting my parents at some sporting event for my boyfriend’s brothers but I has having trouble getting there. The stressed me just felt like there were too many things that I needed to do before I could leave the house and get there. When I finally did get there, the other side of myself was already there, sitting with my parents and my boyfriend, enjoying herself and the game. I remember just sitting there watching her thinking how happy she was and how beautiful she looked…and she didn’t even know it.

This is definitely not me speaking vainly, I’ve struggled with my perception of myself for most of my life and have always had a hard time seeing myself as beautiful and attractive as I am. This dream struck me though because it was like being able to sit back and see myself for who I am and really accept and appreciate that. It moved me to think that I am becoming able to realize that (even on a subconscious dream level) because it’s something I have been working on for a while now. Even though I am frustrated with myself today for feeling this way and not going to the beach I am wanting to do, I think that being kind to myself, rather than angry, will serve me much better. As I have said, I am on a journey, and even though today felt like a setback I am making tremendous steps forward whether I realize it or not. I know that I will not be able to kick some of my anxious “habits” in a few days, but I am working hard at it and becoming much stronger every day.

Enjoy the day everyone, whatever it is bringing for you 🙂



13 04 2010

So I guess something I am beginning to learn about myself in the past year or so is how easily I jump to do something that excites me but how scared I am to commit.

I was really excited about starting blogging as is apparent from my first post. And here I am, over a week later, just getting back to it. I promise to not leave over a week between posts but I needed to be sure I was ready to do this. I definitely had to digest all that I had wrote and be prepared to air out some of my more personal experiences for random others to read.

When it came down to it, however, I am excited about doing this and enjoy to space to talk and let things out. I have started reading some other blogs lately (mostly healthy eating/fitness ones) and they have really inspired me as a way to connect to others and find accountability and support along my journey.

So I wrote the commitment piece as the title for another reason. Recently Eric and I have started apartment hunting!! I know, exciting, but scary as well. I have lived in either my parents house or college dorms all of my life (my parents house for the better part). The last two years I was in college I was an RA (Resident Assistant) and got to live in my own single room (with a bathroom for a little added independence). Although it never really felt like I was living on my own, it definitely gave me much more of a sense of freedom than I have now as I’ve moved back in with my parents. Although I love my family more than anything, I miss the feeling of independence I once had and the personal space (despite it being small) of before.

Its not so much a fear of living with Eric as it is a fear of moving out of a secure (mostly free!) location and into a smaller one that comes with monthly bills and stress and worries. As adult as I feel approaching my second year in Grad School, I still at times feel like I’m unprepared for certain responsibilities. Its an odd feeling to want to do something so badly but be so freaked out by it at the same time.

At times like this my anxious stomach is unstoppable. As my impulsive side keeps searching online for places and sending out emails, my body is taking on the stress that I am totally blocking from my mind. I guess it is a little selfish that I am interested in holistic counseling to learn more about the mind/body connection and the stress response (such a psychology nerd!).

Anyways, in terms of my day to day stuff, it leaves me taking more walks and trying to get in more yoga (trying be the key word there). My independent side is trying to keep it in other than talking to Eric, but my holistic side is telling me to talk stretch and walk it out. Hopefully I will do some of all of these, and keep the stress eating to a minimum.

I will write tomorrow (as we go on our first visit to a potential place!) and try to stay relaxed.